Day One

Well, here we are. I’ve committed now so there is no turning back. I’m taking part in the “De-Choc” event set up by The British Heart Foundation. The idea is to completely cut out chocolate for the course of March. This ties in nicely with those participating in Lent, if I last the month who knows? I may even extend it to the length of Lent too, but no promises! 

But Alice! Why are you doing this?! I possibly hear you cry. Well, yes it does seem to be a bit counter productive for someone who is trying to gain weight, but I actually think chocolate resides at the root of my problem. You see, I’m a rather fussy eater, so chocolate has always been something I know I can comfortably eat without worrying, meaning it’s become pretty much the core of my diet. Contrary to popular belief, this does not help me gain weight at all, in fact it fills me up quicker and stops me from eating normal food. 

Now it may be worth noting here that I do suffer with a horrible relationship with food, I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder however my attitude and emotions towards food are highly indicative of one. To summarise my feelings quickly and easily, I am repulsed by food. The thought of having to eat each day makes me feel sick and I cannot stand hearing or watching others eat. I find meal times distressing and do not enjoy food at all. It is NOT associated with body image or weight, if anything I am keen to gain weight as I have Neen humiliated by my lack of body fat countless times. 

Ok… so why? Why take out a food I have come to rely on so heavily? Well for that reason. If the food that I rely on to avoid eating proper food is gone, the hunger will still be there. Thus forcing me to find other alternatives. (So  far I’m snacking on bananas) it is to encourage me to find new foods and improve my attitude towards eating in general. The hope is, by the end of it I’ll still have the same appetite, but with new foods in place chocolate will become a treat as opposed to a staple food. I am doing it properly, of course. No half measures! Meaning no hot chocolate, milkshake, nor chocolate flavoured…anything really.

I am well aware of how mentally draining this will be, people may laugh and say “it’s only chocolate” but from what I have said above I hope the weight of what I am doing comes through, I’m tackling something huge in my life that is sure to cause me distress, I’m pushing myself to think about food, to try new foods and effectively put a spotlight on a part of my life of which I am terrified. I know the positive outcome will far outweigh the initial struggle, but please bear with me for this month, I’ll probably be a vulnerable ball of nope. 

Here’s to my birthday being on Easter Sunday! 

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